Leanne

you make me wonder

Mon, 07 Apr 2008 01:48:41 GMT

what is "good enough"
is there honestly such thing in your eyes?
i constantly find myself wondering what makes you so high and mighty? what makes you better then the rest?
but maybe the thing is..
why am i falling for you harder everytime i see you?
why is it that we were once perfect for eachother and then all of a sudden, in a split second it seems like you changed your mind?
i realize im not perfect. and i never will be.
there clearly are girls out there that seem to be borderline of perfection..
and maybe im far from it.
physically am i not what you want?
is it the fact that my body is covering with a disgusting confidence killing thing called fat?
are you afraid that you'll have to look at my body?
am i too emotionally ruined for you?
so do you honestly find it easy to just stop caring..
after everything i've told you.
my life is fucked,
you were the one thing that made it better.
thanks for leaving
just like everyone else in my life.

beautiful weather..

Sat, 05 Apr 2008 15:57:03 GMT

it's finally becoming warmer outside, which has gotten me excited.
i just went for a job interview and i got the job ..
which is good because that'll be more time away from my home..(away from the kitchen) and more time on my feet..
the past two days i went for a run for 2 and a half hours each.. today im going for another.
so far ive eaten 0
and ive had twobottles of water.
pretty good as of now.
well,
i'd like to get to know some of you ,
so
if youd like to ask anything about me or tell me anything about yourselves i'd love to listen .

stay strong.
<3

starting off on here..

Fri, 04 Apr 2008 21:57:03 GMT

Well, I used to do journals on websites , but i always got pre occupied but i wil try to stay on top of things on here. as long as i get support and all those things that i do need. i will start off with a survey just so you can get to know me..

Height?: 5'7
Weight?: 111
Lowest Weight?: 104
Highest Weight?: 118
What weight do you want to weigh?: 98
What eating disorder do you have?: ana/mia

How many calories do you eat in a day, on average?: sometimes 0 others a lot, but usually 200 . its hard to tell how many in the end of the day after purging.

Do you throw up your food on occasion?: yes, often . very often usually everytime i end up eating.

Do you want to look like a supermodel/actress?: there are a few id love to look like actually. others are too average looking.

Are you in some sort of extracurricular sport, ie soccer or track?: i play baseball and lacrosse.

Has anyone ever teased you about your weight?: almost everyday . either i get called too skinny. or people joke around saying im obese not knowing i take every word of it seriously.

Have you ever fasted? yesss.

Do you take laxatives to get rid of food/calories? no i dont.

Are you 'inspired' by models/actresses? most of them /

Have you ever been hospitalised for your ED?: no..

Have you ever ingested Ipecac to induce vomiting?: no

Have you ever tried to recover from your eating disorder?: no

Body Image Q's

Do you constantly see yourself as fat, even though others say you are not?: every second of my life.

What part of your body would you change?: hips esp. , thighs, arms, legs, face, chest.

On a scale of 1-10, how happy are you with your body?: a negative million

Because of your body apperance/weight, have you become severely depressed?: yes. but that isnt the only thing.. many other things trigger my depression as well, me being enourmously huge is just a aspect of it.

Do you constantly compare your bodies to supermodels/actresses?: yes.

Health/Food

Do you think you eat healthy enough? no. its obvious that im not getting what i need. but i like it that way .

Are you morbidly afraid to eat carbs?:
yes.

Fat grams?:
yes.

Calories?:
terrified.

Are you often tired/fatigued?:
really frequently. esp at sports.

Do you feel more energized after eating food?:
no. just lazy and disgusting.

Do you eat meat?:
chickenn

Do you eat your food in a certain way?
yes i do .

Do people tell you you look sick or famished?:
often.

Have you ever thrown up blood?:
no

Is your heart bpm above 49?:
not sure.

Other Stuff

Do you think the media is at fault for the prevalence of eating disorders?:
depends. maybe to the people who have an ED just because of apperence.

What's your opinion of Pro-Ana?:
= (L)

Do you have any other mental disorders?
chronic depression

What's your favourite food to eat?
cucombers and vinegar. .

Favourite drink?:
water,diet coke.

Do you often wish you didn't have an ED?:
no i just wish i were better at it. .

Do you want to recover?:
no.